Stephen Hawking, a British theoretical physicist, whose scientific career spans over forty years, recently stated that he believes that intelligent life exists on other planets. He warns that we should avoid contact with these aliens, though. He says that we only need to look as far as Native Americans to see what happens when two cultures clash. I do not have such a bleak outlook on our potential contact with extraterrestrials, but it does not hurt to be safe. I believe that we all need a plan to survive an alien invasion, and there is only one place we can look for this plan: Hollywood! Here are 6 tips on how to survive an alien invasion as taught by the entertainment industry.
1. Be A Peaceful Understanding Society
If we want to survive an alien invasion we have to not be so paranoid and hostile to outsiders, particularly outsiders from other planets. The Day The Earth Stood Still, not the remake but the original, taught this to us. The only thing that the remake taught us was that Keanu Reeves is not really all that talented. This was perhaps more clearly on display in the Devil’s Advocate, though.
“Whoa, I’m a southern lawyer, you-all.”
Back on topic: In the original The Day The Earth Stood Still, the citizens of Earth responded to the arrival of alien beings with militaristic force. At the end of the film the Alien warned us that if we did not change our warlike ways and our mistrust of outsiders they would come back and nuke us! The tip is be less skeptical of outsiders or aliens may be forced to blow up Earth.
2. Be A Ruthlessly Paranoid Society
Strangely, Hollywood also gives us another tip to survive an Alien invasion that seems to contradict tip number 6, be a paranoid society. For example, in the Twilight Zone episode “To Serve Man”, aliens are nice to us and give us food and technology and to our own horror we discover that they actually want to eat us! But then again how can you trust anyone with a head shaped like this:
More recently ABC remade the television series V that has a similar tip, which is all people from other planets are up to no good so we should immediately try to kill them.
3. Stockpile Insecticides
It seems like that all alien life has evolved from insect like creatures, according to Hollywood anyway. The aliens from the movie Alien appear to have many insect qualities. Also the invading aliens in Starship Troopers were also insect in origin. More recently in the Mass Effect video games we see insect like creatures in the form of The Collectors who are trying to revive The Reapers to destroy humanity (its complicated, play the game). Regardless of the medium, the entertainment industry has been promoting the idea of insect like aliens for decades. Maybe there is some Kafka-style metaphor at work in these video games and movies, or perhaps they use giant bugs as aliens because giant bugs are super freaking creepy. Regardless of why according to Hollywood hyper-intelligent insects must have evolved somewhere in the universe, so have some insecticides ready to take care of the buggers.
4. Kill Them Using Something Mundane
That’s right anything mundane can be used as a weapon! In the classic novel War of the Worlds, the alien invasion is fended off with the common cold. In M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs it is water that kills the invading aliens. The tip here is that you need to just keep boring and mundane things around as they could potentially be used to kill aliens. For example, maybe throwing used paper towels at aliens will kill them. Who knows, just keep that boring stuff around. You could even use Shyamalan’s movie Lady In The Water to kill an invading alien species. It was pretty mundane. This person is alien invasion ready:
5. Be A Strong, Free Thinking woman
One of the best ways to ensure that you will survive a Hollywood style alien invasion is to be a freethinking, independent woman. Ellen Ripley of Alien fame taught us this as she combated acid dripping aliens over the coarse of four movies. The only downside is that you may be killed during a climatic battle for dramatic effect, but this only occurs 25% of the time, and you get to come back 200 years later to kill more aliens (See Alien Resurrection). As an added bonus being an independent woman comes with a mech!
6. Be Will Smith
The number one way that you can be absolutely sure that you will survive an alien invasion is by simply being Will Smith! Hell, you can survive anything if you are Will Smith. Everything from alien invasions, robot invasions, the NSA trying to kill you, and George Foreman, Will Smith can survive. The only thing he could not survive was a vampire invasion, and that’s because the vampires cheated. In fact, according to Hollywood Will Smith is freaking immortal (see Hankcock). So the number one tip Hollywood can offer us on how to survive an alien invasion is kickin’ it big Willie style and getting jiggy wit it.
Author: Jonathan Kaulay Copyrighted © paranormalhaze.com
Hahaha! This was fuking funny.
@fractalman: What are you even saying? Are you dense? Or are you just a troll? I would now like to dedicate a couple minutes of my life explaining to you why you are a failure and should give up trying at any goals you may have… First of all: This article is clearly a joke, meaning that it is solely for entertainment value. You don't have to be the author of it to easily distinguish that. This alone makes both of your lame comments pointless. Second: If you are worried about wasting your time then why do you take the time to make such dumb comments on the interweb?
I'm 90% certain he didn't even read the article and only read the title or he is the worst in the world at detecting sarcasm
Haha I don't understand why this isnt more popular
this is absolutely hilarious.